Is it friendship or more?

Hey dear readers,

I’ve something on my mind, and I just don’t know how to think of it and how to deal with it. It’s not really a big deal, well, for me it is, but it’s not a bad thing, if you know what I mean. My internship is almost done, and I’d never thought I would say this but, I’m gonna miss it. Not the work or my mentors, but my colleagues, and one in particular.

It started on a day when we had to go somewhere else, where we were part of a crew to make sure that an event went well. I was standing on the station and I only knew one guy, and he was my colleague. So he stood next to me and we started to talk. We were laughing and joking all the time and I forgot about the cold and the pain in my knee. We filled the time and we lifted a flag into the bus together. We almost broke the door and we laughed.

We’ve talked every day since that day. I’m so happy that he started to talk to me; it was like a bright day for me. I had a friend, someone who wanted to talk to me, someone who made jokes with me. We talked about things that you can’t imagine, like games, fights and other stuff that most people don’t talk about. I don’t know why, but it was really funny to be honest. He made me happy when I had a headache or when it went wrong.

There was this one day when I had a huge headache and when I was kind of angry. He told me that everything would be fine, and I smiled at him. He fell of his chair, and I laughed. Two colleagues of us were saying: Oh my gosh, he fell off his chair! So he looked at me and said: It was just for fun, right Daphne? And I said yes. And the girl said: Oh my, he’s falling for you! And I gave her a death stare while my colleague turned red.

Lately, we’ve been talking a lot, and we supported each other during those days that it wasn’t going that well. We talked a whole Monday and even after school, where he was waiting for his ride home. So we talked and talked. And right before the Open Days, he told me that everything would be okay. I told him to stop saying that, but he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t stop. He made me laugh every time he said that. And he asked me how many days of a year I was happy. So I teased him and said like thirty percent, while he said fifty first. So he tried to lift that up to sixty, and I said forty-nine. And a little while later, I agreed with sixty, because he wouldn’t stop. And of course he went for seventy. So a little while later, something bad happened, and I said: It’s going back to sixty. And he was like: No, it can’t. And I laughed.

He looks a lot at me, like every hour he tries to make eye contact with me, I can see that. He smiles at me at those times and we start a conversation. I don’t know if it’s a signal or not, it’s kind of hard to read. I wasn’t feeling well at one day and I was outside because I needed some fresh air. And he walked by me and said: See you tomorrow. And I was kind of heartbroken that he didn’t ask me what was wrong. But a few days later, I was holding my head while working. And he asked me: Everything okay? And I said yes. I was so happy that day.

And we had to work at the Open Days last Friday and Saturday. And we did it together, so we talked a lot.

He even told me after that he was right about that everything would be okay, and I hate to say this, but he was right. But I couldn’t have done it without him. I drove him to the station on Friday because he almost missed his bus and also his train. And the station is not that far away, so I drove him there. I was glad I could help. And he also put his hand on my shoulder and he asked me if I needed to sit down after standing straight for like four hours without taking a break. He was really sweet, and I also talked to two other guys during those days, so we were the four musketeers. We had a good time with the four of us, but I enjoyed those moments when we were alone.

When everything was done, he said that I could finally catch my breath and that I did well. I haven’t thanked him enough, but he has no idea how much he helped me through those two days, so thank you ❤

And today, I said to him: If you do something for me, we’ll be friends for life. And he said: Aren’t we already friends? And we laughed and I said: We’ll be friends for life, but then double!

I can’t believe that my internship is almost over, and that I won’t see him again. I feel like we’re friends, real friends. We’ve shared so much, and honestly, I wouldn’t change it or take it back. Since that one day, everything changed, in a very good way. I hope that we can stay in touch by phone, because he’s kind of living far away. Well, not that far, but I won’t see him again that easily, especially when he’s trying to go to a school on the other side of our country. But I’ll do everything to stay in touch with him, because I don’t want to lose the friendship that we have.

Do you think he’s giving me some signals, or not? And do you also have someone who makes your day better by talking to you? By being there for you?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

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It’s just too much at the moment

Hey dear readers,

I told you guys about the job that I have during my internship period. I’m the manager of the ‘Open Days’ at my school. I told you guys that my mentors said to me that my colleague hadn’t that much tasks to do, and it was my fault. And tomorrow is the first day; Saturday will be the second day. I talked to my mentor about some information sessions that the organizations in our school will give to the visitors. He had things like: I told you to send her an email, I need to know this, I need to know that.

I’m terribly sorry that I forgot, okay? I’ve so much to do. I need to search for people who wants to help us, I need to make sure that the gifts will be here on time, I need to give instructions to my colleagues, I need to make sure that the surveys will be here and the flyers as well. I’ve got so many tasks, I’m sorry I forgot, okay? I can’t do everything perfect, I can forget stuff too. And why doesn’t he go to my co-worker? I know we work together, but he can give her tasks too. He gives me a list and asks me this and then that.

It’s so busy around here and I also have two other projects and I also need to make a report. I haven’t even started writing one, because I’m so busy with these days for school and those two other projects.

It’s so irritating that he blames everything on me all the time. I try to do my best; I try to do what I can. Why can’t he see that? Because he’s stressed? Well, I am too!

We need to ask a few people to help us, so our mentor asked us to go to a class. I wanted to go there around one o’clock, but my colleague decided to go talk to a friend at the same time. So I stood there, waiting for her. She told me that I should stop stressing, and that I need to let it go. But, how? I mean, we need to make sure that everything is done, and also on time. So we walked by the office of our mentor and of course our manager walked behind us. She told me what was going on, and they talked about it and I decided to keep my mouth. I didn’t want to say anything, because I know that they think that they know everything about me.

So, a little while later, we had to enter the office and she told them that I had to do everything and everything that went wrong was my fault. So my mentor asked me if that was correct. I wanted to say yes, I really wanted to, but I said no instead. I don’t know why. The last time that I shared my feelings and thoughts, my internship told me to leave. And I don’t have the feeling that I can tell everything to my mentors.

So I said no, and I saw my colleague looking at me like, tell them, you tell me all the time. And even though I really wanted to say yes, and tell them that she was right, I said no, and that it wasn’t true. I can’t explain why, I just couldn’t say it. It’s a day before the event, and I didn’t want any trouble. Am  I weak? Or is it not so weird that I was thinking like: never mind, think what you want to think, because it doesn’t matter how I feel. Because I think that’s the truth. I’m not weak, not at all, because I have a very strong mind and I have my own sayings. It’s just, I don’t know, it didn’t came out of my mouth in that way.

It’s just so many, and everything is mixed together and I just want this to be over. I can’t wait until its Sunday and that this will be done. I’m so nervous for everything. It’s just a little bit too much right now. Don’t tell me it’s gonna be okay, because everyone is already saying that to me. I just can’t really believe that right now. I hope I can after it’s done.

Wish me luck for these two days, because I’m really gonna need it.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Random wondering thoughts

Hello dear readers,

I get so sick of those people who can blame their mistakes on others. Those people who complain about something against you, but a little while later, they stab you with that in your back. Those people who let you feel bad about yourself, those who think they know better. They tell you want you do wrong, and they say it’s a compliment, but maybe it isn’t. Why would it be a compliment if you do the exact same thing?

Let’s just say that something happened this week, but I can’t speak it out loud. That’s why I try to circumscribe it a little bit. It’s just a feeling wherein you think that you do everything wrong. And at the same time you don’t understand it, you don’t understand what you should do wrong.

It’s easier for people to say what others do wrong, instead of themselves. They blame their mistakes on you. They say you need to change something, but they need to change it too. But how do you say that? How do you say that to the ones who can destroy so much? How do you tell them what you truly think and feel?

Sometimes I’m wondering why people do that, how come they don’t see how much they hurt people? And when you finally think someone likes you, it appears that that’s not true. In fact, you test them, and everything you thought, disappears within seconds. Your heart is broken, and you’re thinking about why you even let them break it. Why would you think that that person would like you?

I’m sorry if this seems a little bit negative or sad in some way, but I just had to write down my thoughts and feelings. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. I can’t tell everything in full detail, maybe after a month or so. It worked for me to write this down and to share my thoughts with other people.

Maybe someone understands me, maybe not. As long as I understand myself, and as long as I stay true to who I am.

Have you ever felt useless, heartbroken or devastated?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Setbacks deal with professionalism

Hey dear readers,

I’m sorry for not making a new post. I’m doing fine, well, sort of. I’m currently still working for my internship for my study. It’s a nice internship, and I’m more than happy with my colleagues. The only problem? The days that you present your school to new students. It’s called ‘Open Days’ in my country, but I’m not fully certain what they call it in England and abroad.

The problem is, the idea we had is not accepted. And they told us two weeks before the due date, before everything needs to be done. We already told it to them before the Christmas vacation (also not certain what they call it abroad, I’m not even sure if they have vacation) and my mentor told me that he was really pissed at them. So am I.

He told me that he was very happy with the idea and I was too, because in the end, they chose my idea. But unfortunately, some teachers (don’t exactly know what they’re called at my school) said that it wasn’t for business. I know that’s true, but they want it all boring, black, showing that we’re for business. And of course that’s what we want too, but just be honest, you would go to a school who’s trying to invite you, right? With some sort of colors and some food stands.

I can understand what they mean, but why couldn’t they said it a month earlier? Or perhaps weeks? We need to do everything over and we have to think of something else. It won’t be fun, it will be boring. But we don’t want to have any more problems, so we’re gonna do our best and we’re still gonna make a fun day. We will show the new students that we’re a fun school too, and I’m positive that we can achieve that.

So, even though I was pretty upset, I still stayed professional. My mentor was very proud of me. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, I stayed professional.

I told him that I couldn’t change it, so why be upset about it? Well, at home I was, but not at my internship. These things can happen any time, and I wanted to show him that I can handle it. And I’m glad I did, because know he believes I can. And he trusts me even more.

He also told me that whatever was gonna happen after this, all the work I already had done would be enough. I still have to do a lot, but he said I could just change some little things. He would remind all the things I’ve already done for my appreciation. I can live with that, and I’m happy he will remind that, otherwise everything would’ve been for nothing.

Have you had an experience like this? And were you able to be professional, or not?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Can I become a writer?

Hello dear readers,

I want to become a writer, and I think that if you know me, you already knew. But lately, I’ve been thinking about it. Could I really become a writer? Do people really like my style of writing? Now that I’ve published one, it seems like the people who read it, think it’s kind of childish written. But to be honest, it’s a book for 14-18 years of age. And it was just the first book; the other four will have much more difficulties and recognizable things in life.

There is another reason why I’m kind of thinking about not publishing my other books. Many friends of mine and some other people have promised to buy it, but they never did. Every time they say it, I don’t believe it. Many bloggers did too. I’m begging you, please don’t promise something like that if you won’t do it. It will make people happy for nothing.

Second, someone who also published a book asked me a lot of questions about how I published mine. I was glad I could help her, and I’m really happy that she sells her book, but I wish that would happen to me too. And another person also sells so many books. He told me it wrote his book because he sends it to a competition contest on my blog. I was glad to hear that my contest made him write that book. But now that I know it sells so good, I’m kind of jealous.

Maybe I shouldn’t be jealous, but is it that bad that I am jealous? That I also want people to buy my book? Maybe I’m selfish, but it’s just how I feel. I wish I knew what the secret is. I wish I knew…

I’m sorry if you read this and you think it’s about you. I’m really happy for you that you’ve become so successful; I just wish it would happen to me too. I’m not mad at you if you think that, absolutely not. I just… I hope that what happens to you happens to me too.

That people can’t wait for the second book, buying your book after making a promise and that they give you the feeling that you’ve written something incredible.

So, without further ado, I just wish some people would keep their promise. And, of course that when (I’m not sure if and when) I publish my second book, people buy the first one and the second one. I’ve written five books, and I hope to publish them all. Even though I feel not so sure anymore, I won’t give up. I’m not a quitter, and I won’t give up that easily. I’ll purchase my dream, and I won’t let this get in my way.

Are you also jealous of something? And do you think that I’m being selfish, or can you understand my thoughts?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Does love exists?

Hello dear readers,

I was talking to a good friend of mine last week, and we were talking about love. We were both wondering when it would come. It’s not like we’re searching directly for it, it’s more like that we want to know if there will be someone who will say ‘I love you’ to us.

I told him about a post that I saw on Facebook. You know those ‘Teenager Relatable’ posts? It had a description that got all my thoughts in one picture. Will there ever be a guy who will like me? Will there ever be a guy somewhere who thinks about me now? Will there ever be a guy who’s secretly in love with me?

We spoke about it for at least fifteen minutes, telling each other that we would find love. We both agreed that we won’t look for it; we’ll wait for it until it comes on our path. He told me that he likes someone, but that one is currently in a relationship. And my problem is, I like a colleague, but it feels like we’re friends. There is no spark between us, we’re just laughing with each other and we understand the fights we have with others. But I’d rather be friends than risking our friendship for something that might not be there.

Just for understanding this, that friend of mine is a he, and we’re just good friends. To be more exact, he’s into guys. So we often talk about boys, actually a lot. It’s just that we understand each other, because boys are really hard to read. We understand the things we’re going through.

But am I the only one, or are you also wondering if you’ll find love? Like I said before, I don’t need a boyfriend, not at all, but it’s just… I’m wondering if some guy can love me for who I am, not for my looks, you know? Most guys nowadays just look at your body or search for a girl who loves partying.

My favorite writer wrote in a book once:

‘True love will find you; you must not look for it.’

And he’s right. We shouldn’t look for love, eventually it will be there. But I’m a girl, and I think most girls are just wondering if there will be someone out there who’s secretly in love with them. But for now, I’ll continue with loving Nathan 😉

What is your opinion about ‘love’? Do you think there is someone for everyone?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Second blog, different meaning

Hello everyone 🙂

I think most of you already know me, but I should explain here too who I am and why I started this blog.

Just like every other person, I also have some feelings that I would love to write down. But, sometimes I want to write about persons who know about my blog, and sadly, I can’t write everything. Sometimes I just want to talk about my feelings, but it’s not always possible. Sometimes I just want to share what’s going on with people among me, but they can read it, and that could ruin everything.

So, I hope you guys won’t relate to my blog. And if you don’t know which one that is, than it’s even better. Promise me that you will see this as a whole new blog. Maybe I can change my name, maybe also for new readers, just to be sure that (for example) classmates won’t read it.

I also started this blog because I love to talk and write English. I wish I lived in England. It would be my dream to go there someday. I talk English every day, and like the whole day. I just love the language so much. I won’t only write about what I feel or what bothers me, but maybe also about music. I want to write about the things that mean something to me. I guess it will be once a week or maybe less, but just to have some sort of diary, something fresh, just to share some thoughts. It could be in the morning, afternoon or evening, and it could be even more than one.

So, if you know about my first blog, that one will stay. It will be my number one blog and I will still post there, every day. I’m not gonna stop with that one, and I won’t delete it. This is just a second blog, just for my thoughts in English.

So, dear readers, I hope you want to help me by keeping my blog and my real name among us. I don’t want to place it on this blog, I want to stay anonymous. And if you want to say something like ‘Oh dear…’ than you can call me Daphne.

Yes, I think that’s for the best. On this blog, my name will be Daphne, and I hope you guys will accept that I want it like this. I just want a place where I can write things I think about, things I want to complain about. We all need a place like that, right? Where we gather advice and where we can be there for each other.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’