Hey dear readers,
Today I have again a different post than I normally have. My other friend also wanted to write her story down and she said to me that I could publish this on my blog. So I said yes, because I find it very brave of her to do this. So her name will be Susan, just as in my previous post about her. And to be clear: this is her post, not mine. Before you think I wrote this, I didn’t, so don’t worry. So now I give the honour to my guest writer.
I just can’t explain what’s wrong, what I feel or what I think. The only thing I know is that I Betty – my internet friend who wants to end her life someday – start to understand. Life can be fucked up sometimes. I thought I stood above this situation, with my sister. I thought there would be an end to this; at least they said it would end positively. I just knew it would be back to normal then. But it has gone worse with more and more problems.
If I had paid more attention to her, to Betty, than none of this would’ve happened. People were saying I shouldn’t care about them and let them be, but how could I. I just wish I would be in the hospital now, being away of all the problems and emotions around me. Even though new problems and emotions would come in my direction then, it would make it even harder to cope with for the people around me.
If I never went online, I wouldn’t have had so many fights about that. First of all because my mother thinks it poisons me, and the people I talk with. Just because they’ve some mental issues, doesn’t mean they’re crazy or not good for me. Let me at least decide with whom I talk with. But even that isn’t allowed, and I need to understand her more and I can’t act like a teenager. According to them, I do this since I met them, and then all the madness started.
So I don’t care about my parents. At least that’s what they say. They control me with everything, don’t take anything from me and call me a rebel, even an unthankful person. With fights like this, you will start to understand those who struggle, and it almost helps you to the wrong side. I wonder why my parents wanted a child so badly, when it goes like this now. Why am I even alive?
I don’t want to anymore, I can’t anymore. My body is done, my mind is done and everything is done. I don’t have peace, I work too hard and I get fights with friends and family members. And each time a new fucked up situation comes at me. How long do you need to keep going, where is the end line to say ‘I give up?’
I know that there are a lot of people who love me, or at least say they do. I know that there are many friends who can’t live without me, or at least say they can’t. I know that a lot of people want me to stay, or at least say they want me to. I don’t know if I would dare to do that one thing, but I recently sometimes think: I wish it was over, done. I want to end this pain, all the fucked up things, the worries and the stress. I fight for so long, I’m so strong and I try my best to stay strong, but is it weird that one day, that energy will be gone?
I will never hurt myself in a certain way, not a vein in my body. I’m afraid to do something horrible to myself. I don’t cut myself, I don’t hurt myself. It’s only these thoughts recently. Sometimes I just have those moments that I don’t want to anymore, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not an attention seeker, never been one. I’ve never dealt with this before, never in my youth, never in my past. I was afraid for everything back then. But since I know it exits, I’m not anymore. I would never joke about this. But I promised Betty to help her, and I will do so.
I want to thank you for reading my story and I also want to thank Daphne for letting me write this. I hope it helps people to know that feeling down is okay; it’s a part of our life. But never think that no one doesn’t care about you, because a lot of people do so. You’re loved, you’re needed and you are just you.
Thank you so much Susan for telling us your story in this guest post and I surely think this will help a lot of people. And what you said is true, never think you’re alone, because you aren’t. I’ll always be here for you, but you know that ❤ If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts, please seek help and talk. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So please promise me you’ll always seek help, because you’re worth being here. You’re loved, you’re wanted and you’re amazing. Never forget that, and never think otherwise.
Lots of love, ‘Daphne’