Guest post: I was unfamiliar with mental illness

Hey dear readers,

Today I have again a different post than I normally have. My other friend also wanted to write her story down and she said to me that I could publish this on my blog. So I said yes, because I find it very brave of her to do this. So her name will be Susan, just as in my previous post about her. And to be clear: this is her post, not mine. Before you think I wrote this, I didn’t, so don’t worry. So now I give the honour to my guest writer.

I just can’t explain what’s wrong, what I feel or what I think. The only thing I know is that I Betty – my internet friend who wants to end her life someday – start to understand. Life can be fucked up sometimes. I thought I stood above this situation, with my sister. I thought there would be an end to this; at least they said it would end positively. I just knew it would be back to normal then. But it has gone worse with more and more problems.

If I had paid more attention to her, to Betty, than none of this would’ve happened. People were saying I shouldn’t care about them and let them be, but how could I. I just wish I would be in the hospital now, being away of all the problems and emotions around me. Even though new problems and emotions would come in my direction then, it would make it even harder to cope with for the people around me.

If I never went online, I wouldn’t have had so many fights about that. First of all because my mother thinks it poisons me, and the people I talk with. Just because they’ve some mental issues, doesn’t mean they’re crazy or not good for me. Let me at least decide with whom I talk with. But even that isn’t allowed, and I need to understand her more and I can’t act like a teenager. According to them, I do this since I met them, and then all the madness started.

So I don’t care about my parents. At least that’s what they say. They control me with everything, don’t take anything from me and call me a rebel, even an unthankful person. With fights like this, you will start to understand those who struggle, and it almost helps you to the wrong side. I wonder why my parents wanted a child so badly, when it goes like this now. Why am I even alive?

I don’t want to anymore, I can’t anymore. My body is done, my mind is done and everything is done. I don’t have peace, I work too hard and I get fights with friends and family members. And each time a new fucked up situation comes at me. How long do you need to keep going, where is the end line to say ‘I give up?’

I know that there are a lot of people who love me, or at least say they do. I know that there are many friends who can’t live without me, or at least say they can’t. I know that a lot of people want me to stay, or at least say they want me to. I don’t know if I would dare to do that one thing, but I recently sometimes think: I wish it was over, done. I want to end this pain, all the fucked up things, the worries and the stress. I fight for so long, I’m so strong and I try my best to stay strong, but is it weird that one day, that energy will be gone?

I will never hurt myself in a certain way, not a vein in my body. I’m afraid to do something horrible to myself. I don’t cut myself, I don’t hurt myself. It’s only these thoughts recently. Sometimes I just have those moments that I don’t want to anymore, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not an attention seeker, never been one. I’ve never dealt with this before, never in my youth, never in my past. I was afraid for everything back then. But since I know it exits, I’m not anymore. I would never joke about this. But I promised Betty to help her, and I will do so.

I want to thank you for reading my story and I also want to thank Daphne for letting me write this. I hope it helps people to know that feeling down is okay; it’s a part of our life. But never think that no one doesn’t care about you, because a lot of people do so. You’re loved, you’re needed and you are just you.

By Susan

Thank you so much Susan for telling us your story in this guest post and I surely think this will help a lot of people. And what you said is true, never think you’re alone, because you aren’t. I’ll always be here for you, but you know that ❤ If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts, please seek help and talk. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So please promise me you’ll always seek help, because you’re worth being here. You’re loved, you’re wanted and you’re amazing. Never forget that, and never think otherwise.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

 

Guest post: Mental illness is real, it isn’t a game

Hey dear readers,

Today I have a different post than I normally have. My friend, from whom I’ve told what’s going on with her, wanted to write her story down and she said to me that I could publish this on my blog. So I said yes, because I find it very brave of her to do this. So her name will be Betty, just as in my previous post about her. And to be clear: this is her post, not mine. Before you think I wrote this, I didn’t, so don’t worry. So now I give the honour to my guest writer.

Hello everyone,

I’ve always had trouble with my self image, with who I am, with who I was. I didn’t have an easy life. I’ve always had trouble with social interaction. I couldn’t be around people; it was very hard for me to be around them. I was always scared for what they would think of me, what they would find about me. Because I always wondered, would they hang out with me because they wanted to be nice and do something good, or was it truly meant? I was making myself crazy with those thoughts, really crazy to be more specific.

I’ve had a depression, and I still have pieces of it within my mind. I do have days that I can cry out of nowhere, that I don’t want to live anymore. I think about death a lot, sometimes a lot more than I should do. I often think that it might be better if something would happen, so I would be gone. I might be suicidal, but I try to work on that. There are so many people who love me that I don’t want to hurt them. But I just have those thoughts sometimes, and it’s because of that depression.

Mental illness is serious, it’s not a joke or something that you easily solve with medicines or therapy. It’s a long road to finding your strength back. Of course with the help of a psychiatrist, but that doesn’t mean it always works. You can still feel miserable during something fun, and then you easily go back to where you started. Mental illness is hard to realize for someone who isn’t dealing with this, or never had this. It’s therefore hard to explain what it does to you.

For me, it’s seeing a black hole, afraid that there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m losing hope on a good future, I’m afraid to be alone forever because I’m an introvert and I’m afraid to lose people. Who wants to hang out with someone who can’t value herself and wonders what must become of that person? People can tell you how amazing you are, for so many times, but if there’s one bad day in between and you can go all downhill again. And then you don’t believe that you’re good enough. It’s in your brains; it’s stuck in your system.

Mental illness and depressions will never disappear from your life, ever again. The only thing you can do, is trying to deal with it, and to push yourself out of the dark hole, back into the light again. There will be days that you lose the battle, by cutting yourself, like I do too, but it feels a lot better when you have a positive ending when you survive a new day. I hurt myself, I can’t deny that. I cut myself, a lot. I punish myself for crying for nothing, I hurt myself for hating the fact that I’m an introvert. But I will grow stronger, especially with the help of my friends and family. You’re never alone, and you need to talk about this. That’s the ultimate piece of advice I can give to you. You can do it, and together we’ll be strong, you and me.

We will destroy mental illness; we will win from it and stand above it. We will be a champion, and we will believe in it. Together we can create awareness, and together we will stay strong.

Thank you for reading and thank you Daphne for letting me share this. It felt a lot better to write this down, because now I can finally find peace with this. It helped me a lot, and from now on it can only be better. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

By Betty

Thank you so much Betty for telling us your story in this guest post and I’m so glad to hear it did you well writing this. I surely hope this helps you and I’ll always be here for you, but you know that ❤ If you ever deal with these kinds of thoughts, please seek help and talk. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So please promise me you’ll always seek help, because you’re worth being here. You’re loved, you’re wanted and you’re amazing. Never forget that, and never think otherwise.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Music has always been there for me

Hey dear readers,

Through my years, I’ve listened to so many artists, so many bands that helped me through some periods I thought I would never survive. There music has always been there for me, it never left me. I think that’s the main reason why I love music so much and why I can’t live without it. To me, music will never leave you. It will always help you, and it will always understand you. It doesn’t matter if someone else won’t, music will.

My dad is more of the old fashioned music, such as AC/DC, Aerosmith, Genesis, Prince, Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams, U2 and so on. I also love those musicians. It’s my youth. Thanks to my dad, I got to know music. Even when I was a baby, he listened to this music. It was the only way to calm me down. That has been the good way then, and it still is now.

When I was 5, I heard a song of Simple Plan. I immediately loved it, but of course I was too little to listen to it fully. It was their first song I’m Just A Kid. When I grew older, I listened more and more to their music. And since then, it has been my favourite band ever. I honestly always listened to them, and never stopped. I saw them twice live, and what they mean to me, is honestly too hard to describe in words. I’ve been a fan since they started and wrote their first song. And I never stopped being a fan, plus I’ll never stop being one.

But throughout the years, I of course met more bands who also started to mean a lot to me. I just love the dark music, the heavy metal and rock stuff. I can lose myself in it and just give all my energy. Even scream with the musicians. I love doing that, and I need to do that from time to time. At some points, I just need to let everything out. I go boxing and listen to that kind of music, and I punch a lot more and a lot harder. And it helps a lot. But I also listen it while I go for a run, or when I fitness. I honestly listen to it all the time, even at work and school.

People always tell me how strong I am. This weekend again. I know I am, but it’s just so normal for me that I don’t see it as something special or extraordinary. I’ve always tried to overgrow it, to be stronger than the problem itself. And it always worked. I sometimes can’t believe how I survived some things, or how I’m still standing. I honestly sometimes wonder how I do that. But then again, music was there. It gave me the strength I needed, and that was enough to keep me going.

What does music mean to you? Do you also have a particular band or artist who means so much to you?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Terrifying messages of friends

Hey dear readers,

I got some terrifying messages yesterday. I have an internet friend who means a lot to me. I know her thanks to another internet friend of mine. We are kind of close, and we share a few things which bothered us. But one day, the other friend, let’s call her Susan for now, told me that the friend she introduced me to, let’s call her Betty, had been in the hospital. Susan was heartbroken, because she was worried sick about Betty. A few days later (or perhaps even a week) Betty’s mother send Susan a text message, saying that she was in the hospital.

Betty had tried to kill herself. I remember when Susan texted me, all crying and being worried about Betty. But when she got back, everything seemed to go well. So eventually, I met Betty (through text messages of course) and we started talking. I immediately felt a friendship connection between us and we shared a few stuff, mostly the bad stuff.

So a few weeks ago, Susan told me she had cut herself. I was up all night for her to support her. After a while, everything was okay. And then a few weeks later, I believe two weeks ago or so, Betty texted me saying she wanted to cut herself, she was about to do it. I tried to stop her, but I was too late. She already did it. I stayed with her until she said she felt better.

So yesterday I was with my father in the car, going back home. I got a text message and opened it. Betty said that she needed Susan, but she wasn’t online. So I stayed with her. She said she was bad, and I asked why she thought so. She said she had cut herself again. But that wasn’t the worst part.

She said that she wants to kill herself. Not now, but someday. I was so shocked by reading that. The fact that she told me is something good, even though the thing she said definitely isn’t. But she told me, so that means it’s negotiable. She said she thinks she has no future and that she doesn’t know if she’ll survive that.

So I told her what happened to me, a lot did in the past. I was bullied, a family member got sick with the c-word, I lost some pets, I lost some friends and family members, I had to stop with my education because they hated me and something else happened to our family back in 2008. So when I told her that, she said we would be in this together. I was hoping she would say that. I feel like I maybe helped her at that moment, to forget that thought for at least a few seconds. We promised each other we would stay strong with each other, and that was enough for me to know she was safe at this moment.

But I take this very seriously, and I’m afraid now for each time she won’t respond. It’s not something to make fun of, or to think it’s a joke. This is real, and people really deal with these kinds of thoughts. We must support them, not let them fall. We must help them wherever we can, but not become a caregiver. We must also take care of ourselves. But I promised her, that I will do everything that I can to help her. I won’t let her fall, never. I will fight with her, because she’s my friend. And I do everything for friends.

Have you dealt with this before?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

If you ever experience these kinds of thoughts, please talk about it. Don’t go through this alone. Call the suicidal line and share whatever haunts you. You’re not alone, many people care about you. Don’t give up yet, please don’t give up yet.

Afraid for more heroes to die

Hey dear readers,

This weekend I was talking to a friend of mine, about the music we both love. There’s this band called Snow Patrol. The lead singer, Gary Lightbody, has recently said in an interview that he dealt with depression and being addicted to alcohol. We both found a lot of peace in their music, especially in the lyrics that he wrote. If you read them now, you know what I mean in compare with what he has gone through.

This is the exact same way I think and feel with songs of Linkin Park. If you listen to their last album, you know it’s some sort of scream that Chester is referring to. When I listen to it, the tears will come and won’t stop that easily. Just the thought of what he was thinking while writing those songs, it’s so weird to even think about. He was maybe already planning on doing it while he wrote that, because it sounds like a goodbye album.

He committed suicide on the birthday of his best friend Chris Cornell, who committed suicide earlier that year in 2017. There are so many artists struggling with depression, addiction, health issues or pressure. I’m afraid to lose some other artists too; I mean if they say everything is going well with them at this moment, do you still believe them? Or are you also staring to doubt about that? How fare must we go in believing someone, when it can easily go entirely wrong?

When we look at Avicii, we know he was struggling. But it seemed as if when he stopped, that everything was going okay. He was being happy, he found a girlfriend and was planning on having a baby with her, next to her son she had from an early marriage. No one knew about this, no one knew he was not being happy at all. He didn’t want anyone to worry about him; he didn’t want to disappoint his fans. Something I can understand, but it hurts even more when you didn’t know anything at all and it just ends like that.

Since I’ve been thinking about this, music sounds a lot different to me. I listen more carefully to the lyrics, hoping to not hear a scream for help. I love lyrics where I can find myself into, if it’s a tool against our own battles. But knowing that they might endure the same, while they’re your hero and lifesaver, it’s just a lot harder to listen to. Not only for yourself, but because you worry about the artist too, because without him or her, you will be even more lost than you already were.

What do you think while listening to specific lyrics? Are you also afraid that artist might mean more with it than you would think?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Artists are slowly fading away

Hey dear readers,

For me, music is the only thing that keeps me alive. That may be hard and odd to say out loud, but it’s the truth. Only music makes me happy whenever I feel sad. It’s always there for me, and never leaves. I have many bands which I honestly own my life to. They were there for me in my hardest times, they kept me going.

As soon as a favourite artist dies, you feel lost. I’m a fan of Linkin Park, and when I heard of the death of Chester… I was devastated. It honestly took me a week to listen to their music again and accept the fact that he was gone forever. The pain of never seeing him perform for the first time, it hurts. It hurts a lot.

And then we got the message that Avicii died last Friday… And again, I was and still am devastated. I looked his documentary, and my eyes filled with tears. Why didn’t anyone cared about this health? Why did they push him? Why do we never see the pain someone has? Why does it all have to be about the money and fame?

We lost so many great artists due to fame pressure, or just the fact that they became addicted to something that would destroy their body. Look at Prince, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Whitney Houston, Lil Peep and many more artists who died because of an overdose.

We really need to take more care of our artists, also the ones like Chester who’re struggling with mental illness and depression. Because of that, we also lost Chris Cornell, Kim Jonghyun and many more. We lose so many great artists lately, not only because of a natural death. And to the fans, it hurts when their hero dies.

This is a call to all the managers of the artists who are at this moment struggling with their health or mental illness. Please take care of them. Please don’t let them kill themselves. Give them the rest and breaks they need. Don’t let them slip away. Do it for their family, their friends and for us, but most importantly for their loved ones. That’s the most important.

Have you also lost a hero in a musician?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Thankful for this friendship

Hey dear readers,

I want to say thank you to the person who gave me my best friend. Honestly, he’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. I love him with all my heart. I can’t describe how much he means to me. Words only aren’t enough to tell that. He honestly makes me so much happier. He has been there in my hardest times and he always wants to help me. He cares about me, and I just can’t see my life without him.

I want to thank the person who made it possible for us to meet. Maybe it was luck, maybe it was a coincidence and maybe it was meant to be. Whatever it may be, I’m forever grateful and thankful for him being in my life. I don’t know if I even deserve him sometimes, but I wouldn’t want to miss him in the world. He’s funny, crazy, lovely, sweet and he’s just a wonderful friend.

I seriously don’t have enough words for this, the thankful words I want to say. Each time he’s worried about me, when he sends me a text message to ask if I’m okay. When I do the same and he knows he can always come to me. The friendship we have isn’t something you can just put in a box. It’s rare, it’s amazing and it’s the best thing that can ever happen to you.

The happiness he feels, the proud things he says, the way he is and the way how he talks with you about his and your problems. Everything is just unbelievably right. It feels like we know each other for many years, but who could imagine that this year, it’s just three? The way we met is through internet. Now you can say, like many friends of me did, is he even real?

Yes, he’s real. He’s totally real. I’ve seen many pictures of him, called with him many times and we want to meet up. He’s real, I never doubted about that. We can literally talk about everything, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. That’s what I love about him the most. But what I love even more is his heart, his amazing and caring heart.

I’ve never met someone who can care that much about a person as he does. I just want to thank him and the person who brought us together. Thank you for giving me this angel as my friend. I don’t know why you introduced us to each other, but I can’t stop thanking you for that. You changed my life, in a very good way. He changed my life, in an even better way.

If you read this, and I think one day you will, then you know how much I love you. Whenever you feel bad or sad, just read this, and remind yourself of how amazing you are, because to me you are. You know that. Thank you for being in my life, thank you for caring about me and thank you for being my friend. May we have many more amazing years of this friendship, and I love you with all my heart, to the moon and back my best friend.

Do you also want to thank someone? Someone who cares about you, someone who loves you? Do you thank that person enough?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

So many things going on

Hey dear readers,

You know what has been bothering me lately? Well, the fact that my parents are on top of everything. I mean, I’m a grown up woman, and they still want to know where I’m going, with whom, how my day was, at what time I’ll be at home. You know things parents ask you all the time. But I mean, I’m like I said a grown up and I just want to live a bit free you know. I mean I don’t go out, I don’t drink, I get good grades, I don’t do stupid stuff and they know everyone with whom I hang out with. So why are they paying so much attention towards me? Yes I’ll know I’ll always be their child, but I would love to have a bit more freedom. I mean, I even need to ask for permission to go on vacation with someone. I mean most say: oh yes go have fun! But mine say: with whom? For how long will you be gone? Where will you go? Like, please, give me some space to breathe okay? I love them, I really do, but they just gasp in my neck you know. And that honestly starts to annoy me. I really love them, with all my heart, but you know what I mean right? I just want to make my own decisions, make mistakes, and leave whenever I want to. I mean if I still was under eighteen I would understand, and I know they want to look out for me and protect me, but I’m not a child anymore. I was already grown up when I was underage.

Anyway, enough about my parents, and I truly still love them, so don’t think otherwise, there’s another thing. You see, I’ve two best friends, with whom I share everything. Like, they know a lot. And most of the time when they need me, I’m always there for them. I don’t mind what I’m doing; I don’t mind what I need to stop with at that moment. I will do everything for them. So this weekend I was annoyed by my parents and some stuff with other friends. And so I wanted to talk to one of them. I send a message at night, knowing I would receive one the next morning.

My friend said that he was sorry. So I asked him why, because he was working so at that time, there was nothing to be sorry for. So he said that that’s the reason why he said sorry, because he was busy. So I said it was okay, just because at that moment, I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. So in the evening I was annoyed again and a bit hurt too. So he promised me we would talk in the evening. So I asked him if he could, but he would go to his grandfather. That’s okay you know, but just tell me. Because then I would’ve never asked him, because this was hurting me too. So he said we could talk now, but I knew he had to leave soon. So I said that it was okay, and that we would do it some other time. He said sorry again, and I said it would be okay. But in fact, I wouldn’t be okay. I was just so sick of being there for others and each time they say: text me whenever you need me and I’ll be here. And every time I do so, they’re always busy. I mean, it’s like I know it or something, like I want to get hurt. I just wish I could look through the phone screen and see that they were busy, so I wouldn’t send them a message.

So I kind of promised myself I wouldn’t do this anymore. I would start to ignore everything that was hurting me, and just live with it. Pretend like nothing happened, and it wouldn’t affect me. Maybe it’s stupid, but each time I need someone, they can’t be there for me, so I need to make sure I don’t need someone. I just am tired of this you know. I know some can’t help it, but you can believe me when I say it still hurts, right? I mean, it’s not like I’m selfish that I don’t understand them. Because each time I say it’s okay, that they were busy, just because I don’t want them to feel guilty. So I’m being reasonable, but inside it hurts. I just try to write it down instead, and listen to hard rock music while I write. That’s like I’m talking to a friend, but then without an actual response.

You know what I also hate? People who check everything you say online. You can’t say a negative thing because they knock at your door almost immediately, or give their opinion about what you wrote. Two friends of mine got into a fight because of this, and I hate it. I mean, of course it’s not always fun to read negative stuff online, but it’s not your place to tell someone you hate that. It’s their account, their life, not yours. You may hate it, but you can’t tell someone what to do, or what not to do. Just accept it, unfollow that person for that matter. But don’t fight because of that. We’re grownups; we don’t need to fight through internet. We can talk about it, trying to explain what’s bothering us. It doesn’t need to become a big thing. As long as we keep respect for each other. But why can’t they? Why am I in the middle of it?

I hope my day off with Thomas in two weeks will be a lovely day. We went to the movies together last week and we also had a date to where we went away with him and his parents. That day, I will never forget. He was so sweet towards me, also with the movie date. Right after the ‘day off date with his parents’, I had a car accident. And the movie date took place three days later. I’m okay; it was just a collision with another car. It was last Wednesday, so already one week ago. Thomas called me that evening, and he was so sweet while he was also extremely worried. I’m so lucky to have him. I can’t wait to see him again in two weeks ❤

How was your Easter?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

I think I’m falling in love

Hey dear readers,

I remember I once told you about the guy I was in love with, Mark. Well I can now officially say that it’s over, I don’t love him anymore. It’s just, I have to start every conversation and his answers are always so cold and short. The fun thing is; our birthdays are two days after each other. His birthday is two days after mine. But on my birthday, he didn’t say anything. So I just let it slip, it was okay. So two days later, I wished him a happy birthday and all he said was thank you. I mean, he knew my birthday, he knew it last year. So why doesn’t he now? Are we really growing apart? Was our friendship meant to last for just a year?

I mean, if you really like each other, or at least when you’re good friends, he should remember your birthday, especially if yours is just two days before his, right? Or am I overreacting? Anyway, I also said that I doubted about my feelings for Thomas. Well, I saw him in February, and we went to a museum together. He had finally returned from his trip and even though we rescheduled it the first time (he got sick) we went to the museum a week later.

We really had a fun time. He had bought a souvenir for me and I was happy to see him again. He was so nice and sweet, and we’re going to write a book together. It was pretty cold, and we were walking back towards the train station. It was very cold and my hands were a bit cold. We bought a sandwich and the lady behind the counter said that I needed to buy some gloves, because they were a bit red. It was because I have no pockets in my coat and it was freezing that day (silly me). So when we arrived at the station, I asked him if he wanted to wait outside or inside. He said: ‘We should wait inside, because your hands are cold and they need to warm up.’ That was so sweet.

We’re going to a theater this month, joining a performance. I’ll pick him up from the station, just as I did with Mark. It’s pretty weird, to do the exact same thing, and go to the exact same location as where I was with him. Please, don’t let this be a déjà-vu or anything. Don’t let it end like it ended with Mark. We’re also going to visit the home city of our country. We’ve already made plans so I’m really looking forward to that.

He’s just so kind. He says so many nice things and he also said that I could call him when I wanted to, he would be there for me. He often gives me compliments and we discuss our ideas for our book and we just seem to be very sincere about this. We really are looking forward to it and he also wanted to buy me something for my birthday. So I said no, because he already bought me a souvenir and his birthday was when he was away so I didn’t want him to buy anything for me while I hadn’t bought anything for him.

I honestly think that I’m developing feelings for him. He’s just so kind, we share the same passion and we’ve so much in common. I have fun with him and he seems to be sincere and honest. He also got bad news about a family member of him, the same disease as someone in my family has. It seems like we’re meant to be friends, and who knows, maybe even more. In any case, I wouldn’t mind it. I do believe it could work between us.

Have you ever been in love before, or are you dating someone now? Do you believe you can go from zero feelings to perhaps, love-able feelings?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Caring about a friend

Hey dear readers,

I think we all care about our friends and family, about some a bit more, about some a bit less. I also think that we want to make sure that they’re okay, and that they tell you what’s bothering them. You hate it when they feel sad or bad and you can’t do anything about it. You hate it even more when they push you away. You’ve always tried to be a good friend for them, but they seem to keep it to themselves. The reason remains unknown.

This is based on me, like a lot. I’ve a friend, he’s like my best friend, and he’s often fighting with his best friend. Let me say it like this: my friend does a lot for his best friend, but his best friend never does anything for him. He never says sorry, tries to push him away and he isn’t patient with him. I try to tell him that his friend is an asshole and when he says that he’s a bad friend, I’m there to try to get that out of his head. Sadly, I can’t get through to him.

He feels a bit down about all of this. He tells it on his social media, the way he feels about it. He often lets me know that he’s done with him, that he wants to rest and out of frustration, he’s going to play a war game. I try to ask him what’s wrong; I want to let him talk. Sadly, he pushes me away. I kind of hate that, honestly. I want to help others. Of course it’s not a bad thing when you don’t want to talk about something, because I respect that. But he pushes me away like every time as soon as we’re talking about his best friend. And I only want what’s best for him. It’s pretty hard for me, to not be worried about him or to not think about him.

I also have problems of my own, personal issues with the disease of a family member. So many tell me that I shouldn’t even be bothered helping others, while my own situation isn’t as easy as well. But what if I love to do that? I can forget my own problems for a while, and I can try to help others by listening to them or giving them advice. I often say: I don’t care how big my own problems are, I will always be there for someone else when someone needs me. But it’s difficult when that person places something on his social media with a sad face, and you want to ask him what’s wrong. But you’ve made some sort of deal, that he’ll text you when he needs you.

Is my heart too big? I don’t know. Others were never there for me, so I try to give that thing I never got, to others. Is that naive or dumb? I don’t know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I might be soft, as in caring too much about people. Maybe I give too much, but that’s who I am, to say it like that. Others call me a good friend, because they know they can always come to me. But I just hate it when I know something is wrong with them, and they don’t want to talk about it, while they did it all the time before. I know it has nothing to do with me, but still I hate that.

Are you like me or are you the opposite? What do you think I should do with my best friend? Should I give him his rest and wait for him to tell me, or tell him how I feel and ask him if he wants to tell me?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

 

Which type of guy?

Hey dear readers,

First of all, I’m very sorry that I haven’t written here since October. I was so busy with my study and some family issues. I also started a new project with other people, so I was kind of distracted. But I’m back; at least I try to write a lot more. Especially when there has been so many new subjects that I need to tell you. So much has happened in those three months.

Before I forget, and I know it’s way too late, but I wish you all a Happy New Year! I can’t believe 2017 is over, and that 2018 is already two weeks here. I literally have almost no idea what I did last year, that’s how fast it went by. I’m joking. Still, it went by pretty fast.

The doubt

Alright, let’s get to the subject of the day. As many of you know, I’ve a crush on a guy. I told you many times before about Mark, and my concerns regarding our ‘relationship.’ That’s a big word to use honestly, but I’ve no idea how else to describe it. Anyway, let me get to the main question.

Knowing if you’re in love is a pretty hard thing. You might feel butterflies, you might find someone extremely attractive or someone says or does nice stuff to you. But when does that mean it is love? Do you need more signs than just one or two? How would you know if someone is in love with you? Or will you only know when someone tells you?

1.

For example, someone who hugged you, placed his hand on your shoulder, called you dear and promised to protect you. But he changed. He became short with words, no messages of his side and he’s way too busy all the time to go on a date with you. Was that love, or was it just fake? Or is it still there, but doesn’t he know what to do with his feelings?

2.

Then, we’ve a guy who never seemed as your type. Yet you talk a lot with him, and you share the same passion as well. He travels a lot for his work, and when he isn’t online, which is often the case, it makes you scared. He buys you a souvenir and tells you, he’ll be there for you. He wants to support you; he tells you you’re not alone in this. You can always call him, but only when he’s back at home. Is that love? Is it obvious, or not?

What if you like the first type, but start to wonder if your love for him is still as strong as it was before? And what if you like the other type, but you’re not completely certain if you can be more than friends? What would you do?

What do you think? Which type would you prefer more? Don’t forget to think about the positives and negatives from both types!

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Having trouble with love

Hey dear readers,

Since a few weeks, I find it hard to believe that the guy that I’m in love with loves me back. For a long time, I thought that he really liked me. He had those kinds of signs, such as making eye contact, touching my shoulder sometimes. We had two amazing days, both in a different amusement park. I really enjoyed it, and I miss those days. I tried to meet up with him again, but he went on a vacation and he said that there was no time left in the holiday.

So I tried it again, to ask him to go to an amusement park again for Halloween. He said that he has lots of work to do for school, so he said that he wasn’t sure if he could go with me. So that was a new no. And last week, I asked him to join me to a comedy show in the theatre. He has to stay home to look after his dog. So again, he says no.

I know that he isn’t lying; I know that he speaks the truth. I must trust him. But it just hurts to hear no all the time, especially since he doesn’t text me that much as that I text him. He helped me with a video, so that’s very sweet of him. He wanted to make sure that it’s perfect, so he’s still working on it. It’s for an assignment at my school, so I’m very happy that he helps me with that.

Many friends tell me that he surely likes me, because I told them all the small details that he does. I do have the feeling that he likes me, but it just makes me quite sad to hear no all the time. I try so hard to meet up again, but he’s so busy. I just wish that I could see him again. I just miss him. I miss our conversations while we look at each other, and that I sometimes touch his shoulder when he touches mine. I just wish that he would try to make some time for me. It’s just all that I wish for.

I just think of all the happy moments that we’ve shared in those long days at the amusement parks, all the subjects that we’ve talked about. He gave me a hug, while I always was the one who gave it first. But that day, the last time that I saw him, he wanted to give me a hug. That must mean something, right? If he doesn’t like me, then he wouldn’t even do that. That’s what I keep telling myself. He promised me that we would talk through text, but I’m still the one who starts the conversations first. Plus, we don’t talk that much, and not for long either. I know that he’s busy with school, so am I, but I just want to have a conversation with him. I want to see him. That’s too hard to ask? Am I asking too much?

Have you experienced something like this before? Do you have advice for me?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Being kind means having a big heart

Hey dear readers,

I’m someone who has a kind heart, someone who wants to do everything for her friends and the ones she cares about. I want to listen to everyone, and I want to help them by giving advice. I want to hug everyone who’s hurt, or having a hard time. I just want to make sure that others feel like someone cares about them. Because people do care about you. It doesn’t matter who you are, there’s always someone who cares a lot about you. And in my case, it could even be me.

Lately, I talked to a good friend of mine. He has struggled with a lot of things recently. I tried to help him as goodly as I could, but of course it was hard. He had to make his decisions, I could only listen to him and be there for him. Then he sends me this:

”How is it so easy for you to be kind to people?”

So I tried to think of a right answer. Because I exactly knew why I do it, why I help everyone, why I care about everyone. It’s a short, but very clear answer. So I responded:

”Because people haven’t been kind to me all the time.”

What I mean by that is that many of you know that I’ve been bullied for a few years. It doesn’t affect me anymore, but when I was younger, being a child, it did. You’re wondering what you’ve done wrong. Actually nothing, because you know that they were just jealous of you.

I know that I’ve the most amazing friends I could ever wish for. I can talk with three of them, about everything. We’re there for each other, and it doesn’t matter when or how. I haven’t met them, I’ve met them online. But they mean a lot to me. But like a lot. More than words can ever describe. Of course I sometimes get the feeling that they only talk to me because they know that I’ll listen, and I don’t always get the chance to talk about my thoughts and struggles. But I’m happy when I made them happy.

”The prettiest smile hides the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain.”

It’s true. People who’ve been bullied, or in which way they were having problems, will eventually become so much stronger. The ones who are the kindest towards others, are most of the time usually the ones who’ve had a rough time. In my case, being bullied and a few years back, I didn’t find the friends that I have now. So those people will always try to help others, because they couldn’t get it, or no one cared. And they try to avoid that for others. Those people are the best friends you can ever wish for. So if you have them, please keep them close to you. I promise you, that they’ll mean more to you then you can ever imagine.

Are you kind to people in a way that no one has ever been to you before? As if it’s almost nature for you?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Working hard, writing less

Hey dear readers,

I’m so sorry for being so inactive on here. I was busy with writing and I just forgot to write here also. I just want to give you guys a quick update. I’ve currently started my third year for my study. This will be my exam year, and that means that I’ll be very busy. That means that this blog will be just like the previous holiday, a little bit lower then I wanted it to be. I’m very busy with my regular blog, and this one too, will be too much for me.

However, I won’t delete this site. I’ve shared a lot already, and I’ll soon start with a new song that I love. But for now, you know the reason why I was so inactive here, and why I will be in the upcoming months. I was very busy with writing, because I write on different story platforms. I love writing, and I had finally time to achieve my ideas for it. During school, I was very busy with studying and stuff like that, and during my holiday, I had plenty of time. Now sadly, I need to let it go, and focus on my school.

I’ve two friends abroad. We talked a lot during this holiday, and I hope that someday, I can meet them. That would be amazing. Another friend of mine was struggling with a few issues. I was there for him, and he was there for me. We helped each other a lot, and he has become more than just a friend, he’s my best friend now.

When it comes to the boy that I’m crushing on, I’ve seen him two times this holiday. I hope that I can see him again soon. He started a new education and I would help him with some troubles that he had and he helps me, just like we did last year. Another friend of mine went on the ship for his study. He’ll go far away, and I don’t know where to. I’m kind of worried about him. Being on the sea with all the scary things that happened lately, I’m just not sure how he’s doing.

I discovered a new band, and I can’t stop listening to them! I ordered their albums and I love them! I’m so happy that I discovered them, they’re amazing. I hope that I can see them live someday, because they were here, but it was sold out already. I hope that next time; I’ll be able to see them.

So, I’m now continuing with my projects. I’ve a lot to do this year. Five projects, many exams and tests and many more stuff. It will be a hard year, and I also need to do my exam during my internship. Shortly said, I need to work hard, and that’s what I’ll do. I always work hard, and in that way, you can achieve everything that you want to achieve.

How was your holiday? In which class are you now? Or which study do you do?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Sharing my thoughts and feelings

Hey dear readers,

I’m so sorry for being so absent lately. I was very busy with school. I’ve vacation since a few weeks and I just totally forgot to write here. I’m truly sorry for that. But here I am, with a new update.

A lot has happened lately. First of all, a favorite band of mine, lost their amazing singer. I still can’t believe it’s true. It really hurt when I heard it. And since it happened, I listen non stop to one of their most heartbreaking, but also beautiful songs. He will truly be missed and I will never forget him.

On top of that, I recently had a discussion with some people. Look, I also want to make a photo of a day we went somewhere, just to have it as a memory. But when I ask politely to keep it for ourselves, they just don’t listen. Of course I understand that you want to share with who you are and how fun your day was, but some people don’t like photos of themselves on the internet. I just can’t explain it properly, but I hate it when people post photos of me on the internet. I just don’t like it. So I had to ask that person to cut me out of the photo because she really wanted to share it.

And there are four friends who are very sweet and kind to me, and we always talk a lot. I listen to them and I try to help them when they have problems. I’m someone who wants to try to make someone happy again when he or she is feeling sad. And with them, I share a lot too. But sometimes they just don’t seem to care when I tell something. Like, when something bad happens, like with that artist, they just say sorry and they don’t know what to say. And of course I get it that it’s difficult, but just a little message or even a call means more than you can imagine, you know what I mean?

Sometimes we just want to talk, but not with everyone. Or at least anonymous, like I do here. And we just want to share what we think, but that doesn’t mean that we’re different than in real life. No, we just want to write our thoughts down because we love to write.

Also, something nice happened. I went to an amusement park and it was the best day ever. There was this special guest and I guess you know who it is, but I won’t say it. I’m glad he was with me. I can’t wait until August, when I go to the amusement park with Mark. It’s going to be so much fun! And, I’m really making progress with my books! Plus, I’m also going to save some money for a vacation next year! And maybe for a new camera, because my old one is just kind of broken. So hopefully, I can achieve that!

How are you? Have you heard about the news? 

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

What’s the meaning of a true friendship?

Hey dear readers,

Today I want to write an article on which you can give your opinion. I recently had some trouble with some friends of mine and for me; a friendship is based on a lot. For me, it’s important that my friends care about me, that they show me and let me know. Just a simple message would make my day. Lately a lot has happened in my favorite country, and none of them has taken the time to ask me how I was doing and feeling about all of this. I mean, they obviously know my love for this country.

But that’s not all of it and I’ll explain what I mean. I’ve a friend, who I’ve never met in real life. We met through a fan base for a guy named Nathan Sykes. We became good friends and we shared and talked a lot. She told me about a guy she liked and I did the same. A few months later, we Face Timed and ever since then, we talk about almost everything. I told her about my trouble with my friends, the pain it caused me and what it did to me that they seem to care less about me. She told me that she would always be there for me and I told her the same. We’re best friends ever since. I help her often with her thoughts and she does the same for me.

This is what I’m looking for in a friend. Someone who wants to listen to you, respects your sayings and tries to help you. That’s what I think it’s the most important in a friendship. We talk everyday and I’m so glad that we started to talk; otherwise we wouldn’t have come this far with our friendship.

I truly miss my colleague Mark. Every time I feel lonely or a little bit sad about something, I think of him. I think of our happy moments during my internship. I remember those days when he asked me what was wrong, and that one day that he wanted a hug. That other day when he placed his hand on my shoulder, saying that it would be okay. Reminding how much a guy can mean to you. I can’t wait until I see him again in August. Those moments will never fade away, and even though we talk less through phone, I still see him as one of the best friends I ever had. I would’ve been miserable without him during my internship, based on my strict bosses. But he helped me through it and those days he felt miserable, I did the exact same thing for him as he did for me. Plus, I helped him recently with his exams, a huge project he had to make. I’m glad that I could help him and I truly hope that he’ll get his diploma.

Let’s go back to my question for you guys. What do you need in a true friendship? I mean, we all need our friends to have around us during hard times, right? Or just sometimes hear from them that they care about you and that you mean a lot to them. I think we all want to hear that sometimes. And of course you should be happy with your friends, I truly am. But when they act like this, it’s hard to be happy with them, am I right? Or am I completely wrong? Let me know your opinion in the comments below. I’m very curious about your thoughts.

So one more time: What do you need in a true friendship? And am I right about the part that is written above this question?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

It’s been a while

Hey dear readers,

Sorry for being away for a while. I’m so busy with deadlines and tests. It’s the last few weeks of the school year, and I’ll be more active as soon as my vacation starts.

A lot has happened, mostly good stuff. I went to a concert last night and it was incredibly amazing! I enjoyed every song and every beat and I had the time of my life. This was the second time that I saw them and I was very happy. I finally bought a shirt of them and I’m wearing it since last night ^^

Since I started blogging, I met three amazing people. One of them has become my best friend and we talk almost every day. He’s amazing and he’s always there for me when others aren’t. I do the same for him. I also met another guy. He’s also very nice and we send mails to each other. We recently shared numbers and we talk a lot. I also send mails to a girl and she’s really nice. We help each other through difficulties such as love. We both are very unfamiliar with this and that’s why we understand each other so well.

I also talk a lot to my English friend. We talk about almost everything. I understand her and she understands me. She has friends who don’t really care about her. They want to be right all the time and their opinion is the only true one. Plus, they also like the boy that she likes. How awful must that be… I can’t imagine that someone likes the boy that I like. It would be a complete nightmare.

The plan for Mark and me are finally going somewhere. He told me that he has a car and I already took care of the music. However, we don’t know the exact day yet, but it will be around the beginning of August. I can’t wait to share that story with you guys 🙂

So, this is what I have for now. I know, it’s not much, but I’m very busy with school. Oh, before I forget, I also wrote an English fantasy! As soon as I’m going to publish it, I’ll let you know, so that you can buy it 🙂 Or maybe I’ll just post it on my regular blog, so that people won’t know the real me, if you know what I mean 😉

Do you have vacation already? When does your vacation start?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Is bullying necessary?

Hey dear readers,

I was watching Hollands Got Talent at May 5. There was this amazing boy, named Daniel. He came onto the stage, but before that, he told Johnny that he was (and still is) being bullied. It hurt me that it still happens. Of course, I know it does, but hearing that on the television, I don’t know, it just sounds more real. He tried to hold his tears, but I could see the pain in his face.

As soon as he came up, he told the judges what happened to him. They gave him encouraging words and he started to dance. And my goodness, that boy is good! He was full of energy, enthusiastic and he enjoyed every single minute of it. I loved it to see him like that.

And thank god, they gave him a golden ticket. He deserved that! He was amazing, his dancing was the best I’d ever seen in weeks and his life needed this positive vibe to help him end his sad bullying story. Like Chantal said: ‘Now you can show those bullies who you are. Don’t let them change you, stay like this and dance like this.’

I couldn’t agree more. The boy was an amazing dancer and he finally got the opportunity to show himself. So, the next day I looked at Facebook. There was this woman, who said something unbelievably mean thing in my opinion. She said: ‘Kids these days say too quickly that they’re being bullied. Most of the time it’s just teasing, but they see it as bullying. They should learn the difference between this.’

Well, I could’ve smacked her face to be honest. She doesn’t know this boy’s story, she doesn’t know what pain he’s going through. He can’t share everything of course, but I saw the pain in his eyes. This boy isn’t someone who’s trying to get pity, no. He’s sharing something that is true, and what happened to him. So, I don’t know who you are lady, but you can’t judge someone based on two sentences you’ve heard. You also said that you have children, so you must know what bullying means. Maybe your children have a happy life, well that’s amazing for them. But this boy, he struggles with bullying. And this performance, this dance he did, made him happy. Because of this, he could forget the bullies for several minutes, and he received a much bigger prize: recognition, thankfulness and euphoria.

I wish that bullying would stop. It’s the worst thing that can happen to you during your childhood. It brings you down, it makes you weak and you start to doubt about yourself. Why do people bully each other? Why can’t we let people be who they want to be? Who cares if someone is a little bit crazy, enthusiastic or different? I don’t care, I’ve respect for everyone and each story. We should all try to make this world better, starting by stopping the bullying.

I can’t say it enough, but Daniel, you did a wonderful job out there. I’m glad that you got the change to show your moves, make yourself happy and change the world for a single minute. You rock boy! And I can’t wait for your next performance! Keep strong!

Have you seen his performance? What do you think about the lady’s comment on his story about bullying?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

This is his performance:

An amazing Saturday night

Hey dear readers,

I’m so sorry for not uploading in a long time. I had a test week for school and many deadlines, which I had to finish. I don’t have my grades back, so I can’t tell you how I did it. It went okay, but you can never be sure. The next test week will be here soon, in less than seven weeks. It will be a lot harder than the last one, with more tests and deadlines. I can’t wait for summer break.

I went with my colleague to the comedy show last Saturday. We had a great time. First, I picked him up from the station. I gave him a hug (not a real one, just an half one) and we tried to find a parking place. After that, we walked to the theatre and we were too early. So we sat down on the stairs and we talked until the show started. We made a selfie and I was so happy that he wanted to make one, I wanted to have a real memory. During the break, we talked and he accidently touched my knee. And he laid his hand on my shoulder once. So after the show, we stayed there and we talked, until I brought him back to the station. I hugged him again (this time a real hug, a full hug) and he went home.

It was one of the best nights ever! I had so much fun and I can’t wait for August! We’re going to an amusement park with just the two of us and I truly can’t wait for that amazing day. I already bought tickets so there is no going back haha. We’ve decided to arrange a car and drive to it. We both have a driver’s license so we can switch if we want. I hope that the time will go fast this time!

I finally face timed with my best friend from England. We wanted to talk with each other and see each other and that’s the only reason why I downloaded Skype. I never wanted to, but now that we can talk, I’m happy I downloaded it. We talk for one hour and it’s so funny and amazing to talk with her. We share the same love for Nathan and we understand each other. We’re being there for each other and I hope that if I go to England someday, I truly hope that we can meet each other today.

So, this was a very positive and happy post. I’m happy that I had good news. I had an amazing weekend thanks to Mark and I can’t wait to see him in August. I hope that we’ll have an amazing day (I think we will) and of course I will tell you all about it 🙂

How are you? How was your weekend? What are you going to do in summer break?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

A lot has happened

Hey dear readers,

I’m so sorry that it took so long for me to write a new post. I had a lot going on the last few weeks and I still have. I finally found some time to talk about what was going on. So, I say, let’s start.

First, my mother had to have surgery. I was really nervous, well, we all were. I mean, it wasn’t a big surgery, and it was not dangerous, but it still is a surgery. There was nothing wrong with my mother; they just wanted to remove something to avoid damage. I’m happy that they did that. I’d rather have a completely healthy mother without harm in her body. Thank god, everything went well and she came home the next day. We were very happy that she was back. I had to do a lot of chores, which I did with love, but it was hard. It was the full Easter weekend, and I had to make homework as well. But like I said, I did it for my mother, because she needs to rest as much as possible.

Because I have a test week coming up. The tests are very hard and I’m already studying. I have six tests. Luckily for me they took one away. Actually, it didn’t really matter, you couldn’t study for that one. But still, one test less is always better 😉

I saw my colleague last week. I was extremely happy to see him again. It felt like we never left each other and I was so glad that he came for me. He stayed the whole evening, watching me, cheering for me. And after, we brought him back to the station, so we talked in the back of the car while my parents were sitting in the front. Can you imagine that I introduced him to my whole family and friends? Well, if we ever get a relation, I don’t have to do that anymore, haha.

I haven’t won the contest, and I honestly don’t care. I’m really happy that I didn’t won. I wasn’t looking forward to get more publicity and campaigns. It was enough for me. But, I made a new friend during this experience. We talked a lot, exchanged numbers and we were choking around the whole time. He’s really nice and we both wrote a book, so we had a lot in common.

To be honest, my weekends were no weekends the last few weeks. I had to make homework, I studied and last weekend, as I told you before, I had to help my mother. And in the upcoming vacation, I have to study for the test week. So, I don’t know when I can relax, haha. I try to relax as much as I can, but I have so much to do.

I can’t wait for May 6! I will see my colleague again and I’m really counting the days 🙂

How are you doing?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Why do we judge?

Hey dear readers,

You know, I’m always wondering why people promise things, when they won’t do it. They promise they’ll do something for you, but in the end they don’t. I’m always wondering, why do you keep saying that you’ll help me when you’re not going to do it?

And why do guys only look at the outside first? What’s wrong with the inside of a girl? You have to look further. The heart has everything and it’s the most beautiful thing a person has. You need to talk to someone and get to know that person before you can actually tell who that person is. You can’t judge on looks or handsomeness, you can say something after you hang out with someone or at least talked to that person.

But unfortunately, people judge too quickly. When they see someone who’s wearing ripped clothes, they think they’re poor. But they could’ve fallen down or fought with someone. And when someone gets a good grade and wears glasses, they obviously think that he or she is a nerd. And when someone is a little bit too enthusiastic or shy, they identify those as autisms. I mean, why? Why do we judge so quickly? Why do we think that we know everything when someone walks by? Do we really think that we’re that smart?

I’ve always dealt with these horrible, unfair judgements. Yes I wear skater clothes and yes I get good grades, but that doesn’t mean that I’m some sort of type. You don’t know me. Maybe I’m really fun too, and kind and full of helpfulness. I’m not only a tough, weird, crazy or smart girl; I’m also really kind, enthusiastic and funny when I’m surrounded with the right people. You can’t tell who I am when I walk by or when you see me standing somewhere. If you hear something, you should ask me first before you start to judge or gossip. I mean, maybe I love music and skateboarding, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a girl. Because I am a girl and I do love guys, I’m in love with someone at the moment.

I wish I had the answer to my question. Why do people judge on looks and cloths? At work or for a job application is very normal, well, in my opinion not, but in that case I can accept it. But why do we judge when we walk in a gym, amusement park or in our own school? Why can’t we be ourselves? People always call us names and they think of something to make us shy, afraid or it changes us. It really affects some people if they can’t be who they want to be. And some people change because they don’t want to be punished or punched. This is still one of the biggest problems in a teenager’s life.

I don’t judge people, because I don’t want this to happen to me too. And I don’t do things to others when I don’t want them to do that to me. I hope you understand that sentence haha. Of course I have thoughts, but I won’t push people away or think they’re weird when they wear punk, pink or glossy clothes. I don’t care who you are or what you look like, as long as you’re nice and kind, you can be my friend.

So please stop judging people, get to know them first. Some people have stories, others don’t. And we can’t judge someone before we know the whole story. As long as we keep saying this and trying to help those, we can make a difference. But we need to work together.

So, who’s with me? Who wants to stop the judgements too?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

I’m being me my dear friend

Hey dear readers,

Two of my best friends had their birthday party last Saturday. They’re twins if you’re wondering how they celebrated it at the same time. It was a fun party, but I got into a discussion with one of my friends. As many of you know, I’m selected for a special price. I can’t tell too much right now, but they’ve already decided who the winner is. But we’ll find out in April. So, we’ve to stand on a stage, looking at one thousand people. I’m not scared, not at all. To be honest, I’ve always wanted to be on a stage in front of so many people.

But why I’m telling you guys about this? Well, of course you need to dress nicely and you need to do your make-up. I’m not really a girly girl. I don’t wear make-up and jewellery and I hate dresses and skirts. You need to do your hair and wearing heels. Well I’ve got news for them: I won’t.

I’m sorry, but they already decided who the winner is so why should I wear a dress and wear make-up? I want to wear black jeans with a white blouse, which you would wear to your work. So, it’s elegant, classy and decently. I want to wear blue or black boots and wear a little bit make-up such as eye shadow and lipstick. But I want to do this by myself, because I don’t want to paint my whole face with those stupid products, sorry for those who do, but I hate it.

So my friend and I got into a fight, well not really a fight, a discussion is a better describing. But anyway, she told me that she wanted to go shopping with me, go to the hairdresser and make sure that I look ‘gorgeous’ and ‘fabulous.’ And of course that’s really nice of her, but I don’t want that. That’s not who I am. I like wearing jeans, shirts and sneakers. I even wear beanies and caps. I love to skateboard and go boxing in a gym. I love boys who do the exact same thing, those who do the extreme sports. I like their clothing style and I’m like: why can’t girls wear that? My style is a combination of comfy, cool and sportive.

So I said to her: what’s wrong with that? And she said: well, you’re a girl. So I was like: yeah, so? Can’t girls wear sneakers or beanies? Why do girls have to dress up nicely? Who invented that? Of course I like my long hair but that doesn’t mean that I can’t wear whatever I like. I’m into guys, and I like to dress as a skater, because I fancy those boys even more. Especially those guys with the amazing abs, biceps and triceps. But also the ones who do amazing tricks and stunts. I just love their (clothing) style, so what’s wrong with that?

I know that Mark isn’t an average boy. He’s into games and movies, just like me. We talked a lot about boxing, fighting and other ‘boy’ stuff. We enjoyed our talks and we laughed every single time. I can always express myself a lot better around boys when I’m on my skateboard and wearing my sneakers and beanie. That’s why I love England too. They’re so many people who dress like me, I’ve seen it before.

That style is not only for boys dear ladies and gentlemen. And those who wear that style can still be into boys. So stop saying otherwise, because you don’t even know every person. I love guys, I love wearing beanies and sneakers and yes I skateboard and do a lot of boxing. But I’m still a girl, a girl who’s being herself. And she loves guys who’re not regular, because she’s not regular too.

What’s your opinion about this? Can girls wear beanies and sneakers or do we need to dress as a girl? And why do you think that? Is it important to you or is it normal for you?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

It was a tough week

Hey dear readers,

Why is this world so messed up and so cruel? They hurt one of the things that I love the most in my life. I was so hurt by hearing the news. Why there? What have they done? You know why I love that country? Because they move on and they try to keep their heads held high.

When I heard the news I immediately send a good friend of mine, who lives there, a message. I’m glad she’s okay. I was so angry that I could cry at the same time. For the first time in months I was really broken about something. And I know that there are many who can’t understand why I felt that way, but that’s just who I am, especially when it’s about that country.

And it also reminded me how much I miss Mark. He always told me that everything would be fine when something bad happened or when I felt bad. He knew how to make me smile again. I miss his voice, his laugh, his cute blue eyes and his glasses. I know I’ll see him soon, but not seeing him every day, is still really hard, especially when something like this happens.

One of my friends had a bad fight with his best friend. So I was sad that he felt devastated. I tried to make him happy but he was really heartbroken. I told him that everything would be fine, but he wasn’t sure about that. So a few hours later, he said that his best friend wanted to talk to him. And a day later, they said sorry to each other. They won’t be as close as before, but it’s a new start.

On Thursday, I called with a friend for one hour or so. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she needed a friend. So we talked and laughed. And even though she asked me and I told her, I still have the feeling that people don’t actually ask me how I’m doing. Of course she did, and he also, but my other friends don’t really seem to care about me. Maybe that sounds harsh, but everyone knows that I love that country, and they didn’t ask me how I felt about the news. I don’t know if they didn’t realise it or that they didn’t want to talk about it, I don’t know.

I really hope that it was just a horrible week and that it will be more fun next week. But on Monday I’ll have sports so maybe that’s exactly what I need right now. I mean, I bet we all have a week like this, where you feel really sad and bad. We all have those days that we don’t know what’s wrong with everyone around us. Just those days that you wish you had someone who’ll come over to you and have fun with you.

Do you also have those weeks? Or did you have one recently?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Songs I love | Fucking Perfect

Hey dear readers,

It’s time for a new song that I truly love. Last time I showed you guys the song Crazy performed by the band Simple Plan. This time, it’s the not clean version of Fucking Perfect performed by Pink. There is a possibility that many will understand why this song can mean so much to a person. I think that they’re many people who can share the same feelings as me when they listen to this song.

I got bullied a lot when I was younger. Before I met the band Simple Plan, I wasn’t really into music. That sounds weird, right? But there was a day when I felt terrible after my classmates bullied me and called me names. A few days later, Pink’s song Fucking Perfect came out. It was like a world opened up for me, and I could find myself in the song. This song also reminds me that there a so many people who are still being bullied every day. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could help them. Pink thought the exact same thing and she wrote this song. The strong lyrics are so much more than only words. They describe how it should be, and that you should be happy with who you are.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss ”know it it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I’m still around

I think that this describes perfectly how someone feels. You think you did something wrong and maybe more than just once. That your life is silly because you made the wrong decisions thanks to the bullying.  For example punching someone, but remember, this is just an example. You’re feeling useless, you feel like you’re a no one. Even though they say things to you, you’re still there. You’re trying to stay strong.

Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fucking perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fucking perfect, to me

You should always be happy with who you are. You’re perfect just the way you are. Don’t listen to other people; they just want to change you for their own good. And always remember, you are perfect for your friends, family and boyfriend. There are enough people who love you for who you are.

You’re so mean (you’re so mean)
When you talk (when you talk) about yourself
You were wrong, change the voices (change the voices)
In your head (in your head)
Makes them like you instead

This is what you think inside your head. They say things that aren’t true, but you start to believe it. Don’t listen to them; don’t listen to those voices in your head. Change them and make sure that you like yourself. It doesn’t matter if they don’t like you, as long as you like yourself.

So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough, I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I see you do the same

It’s complicated and weird why we fill the world with hate. It’s stupid, not necessary and it’s hurting so many people. It’s destroying lives and it’s just enough. People think they’re nothing because people let them think so. You chase down all the bad things, but those are mainly your good things, always remember that.

Now comes the refrain

The whole world scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we try try try
But we try too hard, and it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
We strains ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

You want to help the whole world, but unfortunately you can’t. Most people are lying to their loved ones because they don’t want to hurt them. But someday, you stop worrying about those people, because they will always be there. They will always hurt you, even when you’re older. So stop worrying about it and start to live your life. You only have one, so make sure that you stay strong to help others.

Now comes the refrain and several sentences of it sliced in two parts. You’re perfect is the head line in between the refrains.

I guess the song has a clear message. I’ll place the link to the song under this post so that you can listen to it as well. It’s a wonderful song for those who feel bad sometimes. Or for those who just want to hear that they’re perfect. The instruments are very cool and they give more power to the song. Pink’s voice is amazing in this song and you can truly hear that she expresses her feelings during singing.

What’s your opinion about this? Do you think that this song can help people? Or was this song a helpful piece during your youth and teenage life?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Annoying classmates

Hey dear readers,

So Monday I finally went to the concert, and I was so terribly happy when I was there! It was amazing! I enjoyed every song, I sang every song and I danced on every song. I was so happy that I finally saw them, I can’t really describe my feelings right now, and it was too amazing so I don’t have enough words for it.

You know the guy I like, Mark? Well, I’ll see him a little bit sooner than May 6! He’ll come to another show and that one will take place at 11 April! So, I’ll see him twice in less than a month! I can’t believe it that he wants to come to a show, for me! This must mean something, right?

But there is also something else. I kind of hate my class. They’re childish, unprofessional and not serious in their study. We had a maths test today. We have to make exercises and lessons to show the teacher that we understand the several assignments. After that, we can make the test. But almost everyone in my class cheated on those lessons by sending each other the answers. My teacher found out and he wanted to punish us all, by doing the test on Wednesday. Thankfully he decided to keep it as it way, on Friday.

But today, I heard several classmates talking about ten minutes for the test. How am I supposed to make a test in ten minutes? So I quickly looked at my account and luckily for me, mine was set on one hour. He only did it for the ones who made the lesson really quick (within five minutes) and with an A. I had an A too, but I made it with my dad. I’m not a cheater, and especially not with my classmates. I don’t trust them.

So my class was very pissed at him and our mentor came by. So he made a deal with the teacher. The test will be replaced to Wednesday. Of course I’m glad, but I can’t believe that he won’t punish those who cheated. I mean, it’s their fault. As long as I don’t get punished for something I didn’t do, then I don’t care if he punishes the ones who did something wrong.

And then there’s another thing. On Tuesday, one of or teachers told us that we could leave earlier, as long as we read the paragraph and if we made the assignment. So on Thursday, no one except for me and three others, made the assignment. She was very pissed and now she won’t let us go anymore.

My classmates are really ruining it for everyone. I truly hate them; they’re so annoying and childish. This is the reason why I always sit and work alone. They don’t do their work properly and they’re not serious at all. It’s not that I can’t work together or that I’m not social, but with them… I just don’t want to work with them.

Can you understand the way I think about this? And are you classmates also like this? What do you think of their actions?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Songs I love | Crazy

Hey dear readers,

As you all may know, my (second) blog is called Feelings With Music. I can understand the question mark around the Music part. I was only telling about my personal feelings and not about music at all. But, I want to change that.

I want to describe my favorite songs, with the lyrics. I want to tell you guys why that song means so much to me and what the words do to me when I hear them. There are a few bands that have more than one song that I like, so sorry if you read two songs of one band in two weeks. I just choose my favorite songs that compare with my feelings on that day.

So, today, I want to talk about the song Crazy. The band Simple Plan made this song and as many of you know, I truly love this band. This song could be hard for some people, a little bit too harsh or negative. But, I’m gonna try to explain why I love this song, and when I listen to it.

Well, I listen to this song when I’m mad or when something happened that I didn’t like. I listened a lot to this song during my internship. I wasn’t always happy with the way I was treated and how they talked to me. So, thanks to my colleague and that song, I managed to survive and stay strong.  But this song also reminds me that the world is changing so quickly and that people always try to become a better version of them, because the world wants them to change. And that’s why I love this song. Pierre describes the question marks he has by those problems, and the strong lyrics are so much more than only words. They describe the whole situation.

Tell me what’s wrong with society
When everywhere I look, I see
Young girls dying to be on TV
They won’t stop till they’ve reached their dreams

Diet pills, surgery
Photo shopped pictures in magazines
Telling them how they should be
It doesn’t make sense to me

This describes exactly how I think about all those perfect things that people want. Why do girls need to be pretty, thin or famous? Why can’t a normal girl who’s not as thin as a model, but who has a heart full of joy and love, live like she wants? We destroy their trust in them and we develop the insecurity.

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on?
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something is wrong

I wonder every day, why is everyone so crazy? Why can’t people open their eyes when they need to? When they don’t see what’s going on with someone? When the world is so devastated and hurt, that something bad happens before they try to fix it? Is everybody going crazy?

I guess things are not how they used to be
There are no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like its World War III

No one cares, no one’s there
I guess we’re all just too damn busy
And money’s our first priority.
It doesn’t make sense to me

Sadly, more and more people divorce when they have kids. They fight a lot and they give their children the feeling that it’s their fault. And when they got a divorce, one of them or even both, are always busy and trying to earn money. Not for the family, but for shopping and living rich. Why is that the most important thing in our lives? Isn’t love the most wonderful thing? And being there for your family? Being together?

Now comes the refrain one more time and two times the sentence: Is everybody going crazy?

Tell me what’s wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Rich guys driving big SUVs
While kids are starving in the streets

No one cares
No one likes to share
I guess life’s unfair

The rich people are always driving big cars and they can afford everything they want. But when do they look at the poor starving kids and women? It seems like no one cares, because their money is way too important to give to someone who’s poor. Why is life so unfair? That’s a very good question. Why is the world broken? Why don’t we try to fix it instead of destroying it any further?

Now the refrain comes two more times before the song ends.

Well, I guess the song has a clear message. I’ll place the link to the song under this post so that you can listen to it as well. Because the guitar solos are there to create life in the song. You’ll feel the true message of this song by listening to the instruments and of course Pierre’s voice.

What is your opinion about this? Do you agree that girls need to be perfect and that the rich people don’t share their money with the poor people?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

I feel good

Hello dear readers,

I got some bad news on Monday that the concert was postponed, for two weeks later. I was sad and anxious that my teacher wouldn’t say: Okay, you can leave early. But luckily, I can. I have to let him sign a piece of paper for that last hour. So now, I can go with the train to be there just in time. I can’t leave too early because I can’t miss that many lessons. But for now, I miss one lesson.

Something else, I got a huge grade for my internship! I got three grades in total. I got a grade for the communication, a grade for the marketing and a grade for the report. And all three of them added together, and divide by three, I got a very good grade and I’m very proud of myself.

And I also received an amazing grade for an English presentation! It’s almost an A! He said that my English was so good; he asked me how that was even possible. He said I could become an English teacher, and that I could write a book in English as well. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Something else that happened and I’m still really happy about it. I asked the guy I like, to go to a comedy show with me. I should go with a family member, but she needs to have surgery around that period, and so we aren’t sure if she can go with me. So, she said that I could ask someone else. And I thought:

Well, I can take the risk. I was really nervous when I asked him and he took very long to respond, so I got more and more nervous by the minute. But eventually, he said yes! I can’t believe that he wants to go with me! It’s like a dream came true! Because imagine this, we’re sitting next to each other, very closely, for like two hours. I really can’t wait for the show!

And I’m talking in a group chat on Twitter and Instagram with fans of Nathan. I made a best friend because we support each other and we give advice. We’ve become best friends now and we hope we can meet someday in England. I really hope I can go there someday to meet Nathan and her as well.

So, this post was really happy this time. I’m glad I could tell some nice things to you guys. I can’t wait for the concert and I can’t wait for the comedy show! I’m so glad Mark said yes! (I just call him Mark now, because that’s easier by calling him ‘guy’ all the time) I really hope May comes fast ^^

How are you feeling right now?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Little bit sad

Hey dear readers,

So these last few days were some kind of rollercoaster for me. I heard that a family member needs to have surgery, and that scares me. But there was also some good news. One of my favorite bands and one of the members replied to my Tweet and liked it. Oh, and not to mention that the colleague I like, said Happy Birthday to me, that meant so much to me. He also sent me a message out of his own, telling me how his day was and if I enjoyed my vacation.

But today, it was also a rough day, just like when I heard about my family member who needs to have surgery. I would go to a concert tonight, but unfortunately, the singer of the band is sick. His voice is not well and so in order to avoid damage; they decided to postpone the concert. So it will take place within two weeks.

I know it’s just two weeks, but I’m kind of devastated. I was free today, so it was so good that the concert was today. The other Monday, I will have to go to school until five o’clock. So, that means I need to leave early, but I don’t know if they allow that for this kind of stuff. I already sent an email to my teacher and mentor, so I hope they will say that it’s okay.

I need to go to that concert and I feel so bad that it’s postponed. But, I don’t want the singer to lose his voice; I want him to be better. He’s a human too, just like you and me. I don’t want him to get even sicker, his voice is too special. So I understand it, but still I’m sad about it.

You know, I just have the feeling that I’m unlucky, you know? First all the bad news and now this too… I’ve the feeling that I don’t deserve luck or something like that. It’s just… I wish my colleague would say something more, you know. Just that I mean something to him, or something like that. And that my classmates would be nicer to me that would be great too.

But for now, I’ll have to wait for the concert.

But its okay, I can wait two more weeks. He needs to be better to perform on his best, and I want him to be better. I want to hear his beautiful voice without sickness; he needs to feel healthy before he enters the stage.

So I can live with the fact that the concert is postponed, but still I’m quite sad because I have to wait longer, and it will be a lot easier to go there, because I need permission first. You know, to leave school earlier.

Have you ever had the feeling that you’re unlucky sometimes? That you’re wondering why you can’t have luck sometime?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

My internship is over

Hello dear readers,

Well, it’s official, my internship is over, finished. I’ve several feelings about that. Because, I’m happy, but also sad at the same time. It’s kinda hard, because I should be totally happy that I’ve received nice comments and a good grade, if you can call it that way. I’ve made several stuff like plans, promotion ideas and of course I was the manager for the Open Days, so I’ve done a lot.

Why I am sad? Well, remember that post I wrote about that guy I think I like? Well, he’s at my internship, and he’s my colleague. The worst part? I won’t see him again. He’s living in a different city, it’s not that far, but far enough to meet up soon. I’m glad we have each others number, but it won’t be the same. We’ve talked so much, he supported me almost every time I was busy or trying to make something perfect. We had fun, we laughed, and we shared a lot.

I’m glad about the way we said goodbye. At first he gave me a hand, but as soon as someone else hugged him, I thought: Why can’t I hug him? So I asked him if he wanted one, and he said yes. I was so happy, and it felt like the world was standing still while I hugged him. We promised to stay in touch, and I hope we can. Because I can’t miss our conversations, I just can’t.

I’m not looking forward in going back to school. To be honest, I don’t like my classmates. They’re just so different, so not the persons I want to hang out with, do you get what I mean? I like to write, to talk, to be quiet. They like to party, to be loud and to make a lot of noise. And did I mentioned that they don’t do much? They need to hear that they’re gonna fail before they start to work. I’m just going back to being quiet, being all alone. Because Mark is gone, well not gone, but he went back to his own school. I’m gonna miss his smile, his voice, our conversations.

He told me I will survive this, but I’m not so sure. But maybe I need to try, I mean I kind of promised him to stay strong. It’s the least I could do, considering everything he has done for me in those months, right? All those times that he supported me, all those times that he asked me if I was alright. All those tiny details that he has, those small things that make him special.

If I like him? Yes, yes I do. I’m not afraid to say it, because I’m not gonna lie about it. Yes, I do like him. In fact, I think I’m in love with him, and I’m gonna miss him so, so much.

Do you think that I’ll survive? Do you think that I’ll ever see him again?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Is it friendship or more?

Hey dear readers,

I’ve something on my mind, and I just don’t know how to think of it and how to deal with it. It’s not really a big deal, well, for me it is, but it’s not a bad thing, if you know what I mean. My internship is almost done, and I’d never thought I would say this but, I’m gonna miss it. Not the work or my mentors, but my colleagues, and one in particular.

It started on a day when we had to go somewhere else, where we were part of a crew to make sure that an event went well. I was standing on the station and I only knew one guy, and he was my colleague. So he stood next to me and we started to talk. We were laughing and joking all the time and I forgot about the cold and the pain in my knee. We filled the time and we lifted a flag into the bus together. We almost broke the door and we laughed.

We’ve talked every day since that day. I’m so happy that he started to talk to me; it was like a bright day for me. I had a friend, someone who wanted to talk to me, someone who made jokes with me. We talked about things that you can’t imagine, like games, fights and other stuff that most people don’t talk about. I don’t know why, but it was really funny to be honest. He made me happy when I had a headache or when it went wrong.

There was this one day when I had a huge headache and when I was kind of angry. He told me that everything would be fine, and I smiled at him. He fell of his chair, and I laughed. Two colleagues of us were saying: Oh my gosh, he fell off his chair! So he looked at me and said: It was just for fun, right Daphne? And I said yes. And the girl said: Oh my, he’s falling for you! And I gave her a death stare while my colleague turned red.

Lately, we’ve been talking a lot, and we supported each other during those days that it wasn’t going that well. We talked a whole Monday and even after school, where he was waiting for his ride home. So we talked and talked. And right before the Open Days, he told me that everything would be okay. I told him to stop saying that, but he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t stop. He made me laugh every time he said that. And he asked me how many days of a year I was happy. So I teased him and said like thirty percent, while he said fifty first. So he tried to lift that up to sixty, and I said forty-nine. And a little while later, I agreed with sixty, because he wouldn’t stop. And of course he went for seventy. So a little while later, something bad happened, and I said: It’s going back to sixty. And he was like: No, it can’t. And I laughed.

He looks a lot at me, like every hour he tries to make eye contact with me, I can see that. He smiles at me at those times and we start a conversation. I don’t know if it’s a signal or not, it’s kind of hard to read. I wasn’t feeling well at one day and I was outside because I needed some fresh air. And he walked by me and said: See you tomorrow. And I was kind of heartbroken that he didn’t ask me what was wrong. But a few days later, I was holding my head while working. And he asked me: Everything okay? And I said yes. I was so happy that day.

And we had to work at the Open Days last Friday and Saturday. And we did it together, so we talked a lot.

He even told me after that he was right about that everything would be okay, and I hate to say this, but he was right. But I couldn’t have done it without him. I drove him to the station on Friday because he almost missed his bus and also his train. And the station is not that far away, so I drove him there. I was glad I could help. And he also put his hand on my shoulder and he asked me if I needed to sit down after standing straight for like four hours without taking a break. He was really sweet, and I also talked to two other guys during those days, so we were the four musketeers. We had a good time with the four of us, but I enjoyed those moments when we were alone.

When everything was done, he said that I could finally catch my breath and that I did well. I haven’t thanked him enough, but he has no idea how much he helped me through those two days, so thank you ❤

And today, I said to him: If you do something for me, we’ll be friends for life. And he said: Aren’t we already friends? And we laughed and I said: We’ll be friends for life, but then double!

I can’t believe that my internship is almost over, and that I won’t see him again. I feel like we’re friends, real friends. We’ve shared so much, and honestly, I wouldn’t change it or take it back. Since that one day, everything changed, in a very good way. I hope that we can stay in touch by phone, because he’s kind of living far away. Well, not that far, but I won’t see him again that easily, especially when he’s trying to go to a school on the other side of our country. But I’ll do everything to stay in touch with him, because I don’t want to lose the friendship that we have.

Do you think he’s giving me some signals, or not? And do you also have someone who makes your day better by talking to you? By being there for you?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

It’s just too much at the moment

Hey dear readers,

I told you guys about the job that I have during my internship period. I’m the manager of the ‘Open Days’ at my school. I told you guys that my mentors said to me that my colleague hadn’t that much tasks to do, and it was my fault. And tomorrow is the first day; Saturday will be the second day. I talked to my mentor about some information sessions that the organizations in our school will give to the visitors. He had things like: I told you to send her an email, I need to know this, I need to know that.

I’m terribly sorry that I forgot, okay? I’ve so much to do. I need to search for people who wants to help us, I need to make sure that the gifts will be here on time, I need to give instructions to my colleagues, I need to make sure that the surveys will be here and the flyers as well. I’ve got so many tasks, I’m sorry I forgot, okay? I can’t do everything perfect, I can forget stuff too. And why doesn’t he go to my co-worker? I know we work together, but he can give her tasks too. He gives me a list and asks me this and then that.

It’s so busy around here and I also have two other projects and I also need to make a report. I haven’t even started writing one, because I’m so busy with these days for school and those two other projects.

It’s so irritating that he blames everything on me all the time. I try to do my best; I try to do what I can. Why can’t he see that? Because he’s stressed? Well, I am too!

We need to ask a few people to help us, so our mentor asked us to go to a class. I wanted to go there around one o’clock, but my colleague decided to go talk to a friend at the same time. So I stood there, waiting for her. She told me that I should stop stressing, and that I need to let it go. But, how? I mean, we need to make sure that everything is done, and also on time. So we walked by the office of our mentor and of course our manager walked behind us. She told me what was going on, and they talked about it and I decided to keep my mouth. I didn’t want to say anything, because I know that they think that they know everything about me.

So, a little while later, we had to enter the office and she told them that I had to do everything and everything that went wrong was my fault. So my mentor asked me if that was correct. I wanted to say yes, I really wanted to, but I said no instead. I don’t know why. The last time that I shared my feelings and thoughts, my internship told me to leave. And I don’t have the feeling that I can tell everything to my mentors.

So I said no, and I saw my colleague looking at me like, tell them, you tell me all the time. And even though I really wanted to say yes, and tell them that she was right, I said no, and that it wasn’t true. I can’t explain why, I just couldn’t say it. It’s a day before the event, and I didn’t want any trouble. Am  I weak? Or is it not so weird that I was thinking like: never mind, think what you want to think, because it doesn’t matter how I feel. Because I think that’s the truth. I’m not weak, not at all, because I have a very strong mind and I have my own sayings. It’s just, I don’t know, it didn’t came out of my mouth in that way.

It’s just so many, and everything is mixed together and I just want this to be over. I can’t wait until its Sunday and that this will be done. I’m so nervous for everything. It’s just a little bit too much right now. Don’t tell me it’s gonna be okay, because everyone is already saying that to me. I just can’t really believe that right now. I hope I can after it’s done.

Wish me luck for these two days, because I’m really gonna need it.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Random wondering thoughts

Hello dear readers,

I get so sick of those people who can blame their mistakes on others. Those people who complain about something against you, but a little while later, they stab you with that in your back. Those people who let you feel bad about yourself, those who think they know better. They tell you want you do wrong, and they say it’s a compliment, but maybe it isn’t. Why would it be a compliment if you do the exact same thing?

Let’s just say that something happened this week, but I can’t speak it out loud. That’s why I try to circumscribe it a little bit. It’s just a feeling wherein you think that you do everything wrong. And at the same time you don’t understand it, you don’t understand what you should do wrong.

It’s easier for people to say what others do wrong, instead of themselves. They blame their mistakes on you. They say you need to change something, but they need to change it too. But how do you say that? How do you say that to the ones who can destroy so much? How do you tell them what you truly think and feel?

Sometimes I’m wondering why people do that, how come they don’t see how much they hurt people? And when you finally think someone likes you, it appears that that’s not true. In fact, you test them, and everything you thought, disappears within seconds. Your heart is broken, and you’re thinking about why you even let them break it. Why would you think that that person would like you?

I’m sorry if this seems a little bit negative or sad in some way, but I just had to write down my thoughts and feelings. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. I can’t tell everything in full detail, maybe after a month or so. It worked for me to write this down and to share my thoughts with other people.

Maybe someone understands me, maybe not. As long as I understand myself, and as long as I stay true to who I am.

Have you ever felt useless, heartbroken or devastated?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Setbacks deal with professionalism

Hey dear readers,

I’m sorry for not making a new post. I’m doing fine, well, sort of. I’m currently still working for my internship for my study. It’s a nice internship, and I’m more than happy with my colleagues. The only problem? The days that you present your school to new students. It’s called ‘Open Days’ in my country, but I’m not fully certain what they call it in England and abroad.

The problem is, the idea we had is not accepted. And they told us two weeks before the due date, before everything needs to be done. We already told it to them before the Christmas vacation (also not certain what they call it abroad, I’m not even sure if they have vacation) and my mentor told me that he was really pissed at them. So am I.

He told me that he was very happy with the idea and I was too, because in the end, they chose my idea. But unfortunately, some teachers (don’t exactly know what they’re called at my school) said that it wasn’t for business. I know that’s true, but they want it all boring, black, showing that we’re for business. And of course that’s what we want too, but just be honest, you would go to a school who’s trying to invite you, right? With some sort of colors and some food stands.

I can understand what they mean, but why couldn’t they said it a month earlier? Or perhaps weeks? We need to do everything over and we have to think of something else. It won’t be fun, it will be boring. But we don’t want to have any more problems, so we’re gonna do our best and we’re still gonna make a fun day. We will show the new students that we’re a fun school too, and I’m positive that we can achieve that.

So, even though I was pretty upset, I still stayed professional. My mentor was very proud of me. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, I stayed professional.

I told him that I couldn’t change it, so why be upset about it? Well, at home I was, but not at my internship. These things can happen any time, and I wanted to show him that I can handle it. And I’m glad I did, because know he believes I can. And he trusts me even more.

He also told me that whatever was gonna happen after this, all the work I already had done would be enough. I still have to do a lot, but he said I could just change some little things. He would remind all the things I’ve already done for my appreciation. I can live with that, and I’m happy he will remind that, otherwise everything would’ve been for nothing.

Have you had an experience like this? And were you able to be professional, or not?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Can I become a writer?

Hello dear readers,

I want to become a writer, and I think that if you know me, you already knew. But lately, I’ve been thinking about it. Could I really become a writer? Do people really like my style of writing? Now that I’ve published one, it seems like the people who read it, think it’s kind of childish written. But to be honest, it’s a book for 14-18 years of age. And it was just the first book; the other four will have much more difficulties and recognizable things in life.

There is another reason why I’m kind of thinking about not publishing my other books. Many friends of mine and some other people have promised to buy it, but they never did. Every time they say it, I don’t believe it. Many bloggers did too. I’m begging you, please don’t promise something like that if you won’t do it. It will make people happy for nothing.

Second, someone who also published a book asked me a lot of questions about how I published mine. I was glad I could help her, and I’m really happy that she sells her book, but I wish that would happen to me too. And another person also sells so many books. He told me it wrote his book because he sends it to a competition contest on my blog. I was glad to hear that my contest made him write that book. But now that I know it sells so good, I’m kind of jealous.

Maybe I shouldn’t be jealous, but is it that bad that I am jealous? That I also want people to buy my book? Maybe I’m selfish, but it’s just how I feel. I wish I knew what the secret is. I wish I knew…

I’m sorry if you read this and you think it’s about you. I’m really happy for you that you’ve become so successful; I just wish it would happen to me too. I’m not mad at you if you think that, absolutely not. I just… I hope that what happens to you happens to me too.

That people can’t wait for the second book, buying your book after making a promise and that they give you the feeling that you’ve written something incredible.

So, without further ado, I just wish some people would keep their promise. And, of course that when (I’m not sure if and when) I publish my second book, people buy the first one and the second one. I’ve written five books, and I hope to publish them all. Even though I feel not so sure anymore, I won’t give up. I’m not a quitter, and I won’t give up that easily. I’ll purchase my dream, and I won’t let this get in my way.

Are you also jealous of something? And do you think that I’m being selfish, or can you understand my thoughts?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Does love exists?

Hello dear readers,

I was talking to a good friend of mine last week, and we were talking about love. We were both wondering when it would come. It’s not like we’re searching directly for it, it’s more like that we want to know if there will be someone who will say ‘I love you’ to us.

I told him about a post that I saw on Facebook. You know those ‘Teenager Relatable’ posts? It had a description that got all my thoughts in one picture. Will there ever be a guy who will like me? Will there ever be a guy somewhere who thinks about me now? Will there ever be a guy who’s secretly in love with me?

We spoke about it for at least fifteen minutes, telling each other that we would find love. We both agreed that we won’t look for it; we’ll wait for it until it comes on our path. He told me that he likes someone, but that one is currently in a relationship. And my problem is, I like a colleague, but it feels like we’re friends. There is no spark between us, we’re just laughing with each other and we understand the fights we have with others. But I’d rather be friends than risking our friendship for something that might not be there.

Just for understanding this, that friend of mine is a he, and we’re just good friends. To be more exact, he’s into guys. So we often talk about boys, actually a lot. It’s just that we understand each other, because boys are really hard to read. We understand the things we’re going through.

But am I the only one, or are you also wondering if you’ll find love? Like I said before, I don’t need a boyfriend, not at all, but it’s just… I’m wondering if some guy can love me for who I am, not for my looks, you know? Most guys nowadays just look at your body or search for a girl who loves partying.

My favorite writer wrote in a book once:

‘True love will find you; you must not look for it.’

And he’s right. We shouldn’t look for love, eventually it will be there. But I’m a girl, and I think most girls are just wondering if there will be someone out there who’s secretly in love with them. But for now, I’ll continue with loving Nathan 😉

What is your opinion about ‘love’? Do you think there is someone for everyone?

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’

Second blog, different meaning

Hello everyone 🙂

I think most of you already know me, but I should explain here too who I am and why I started this blog.

Just like every other person, I also have some feelings that I would love to write down. But, sometimes I want to write about persons who know about my blog, and sadly, I can’t write everything. Sometimes I just want to talk about my feelings, but it’s not always possible. Sometimes I just want to share what’s going on with people among me, but they can read it, and that could ruin everything.

So, I hope you guys won’t relate to my blog. And if you don’t know which one that is, than it’s even better. Promise me that you will see this as a whole new blog. Maybe I can change my name, maybe also for new readers, just to be sure that (for example) classmates won’t read it.

I also started this blog because I love to talk and write English. I wish I lived in England. It would be my dream to go there someday. I talk English every day, and like the whole day. I just love the language so much. I won’t only write about what I feel or what bothers me, but maybe also about music. I want to write about the things that mean something to me. I guess it will be once a week or maybe less, but just to have some sort of diary, something fresh, just to share some thoughts. It could be in the morning, afternoon or evening, and it could be even more than one.

So, if you know about my first blog, that one will stay. It will be my number one blog and I will still post there, every day. I’m not gonna stop with that one, and I won’t delete it. This is just a second blog, just for my thoughts in English.

So, dear readers, I hope you want to help me by keeping my blog and my real name among us. I don’t want to place it on this blog, I want to stay anonymous. And if you want to say something like ‘Oh dear…’ than you can call me Daphne.

Yes, I think that’s for the best. On this blog, my name will be Daphne, and I hope you guys will accept that I want it like this. I just want a place where I can write things I think about, things I want to complain about. We all need a place like that, right? Where we gather advice and where we can be there for each other.

Lots of love, ‘Daphne’